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“Hope you brought your bikinis because it’s gonna get pretty wild in here…later….”: Hello Ladies “Pool Party” review

“It’s sexy, but it’s not vulgar…which is what the party’s gonna be like”

Pool parties: because what other way are you going to get a bunch of hot chicks naked in the first 20 minutes of hanging out? With Stuart’s brilliant pool rendezvous in the Hollywood Hills (OK, way, way at the bottom where the hills begin), he’s sure to get all the hot model/actress/musician types together (“as long as they’re hip and trendy”) for a very “Playboy mansion vibe” (so, Runway Waiters and ice dicks). Which wouldn’t even be possible if it weren’t for Wade’s hookup at his new apartment complex and Rory’s stunning invitation design work.

Stuart decides to invite the hot billboard blonde Kimberly despite the series of embarrassments at Margot’s right after he drops by Andy’s with an apologetic bottle of Rosé. Then after a quick number exchange and an impressive phone call showcasing Stuart’s “big strides in CSS framework integration”, she is left no other choice but to accompany him at the party with a few people. Aka: she’s going to bring a bunch of hot models to make him look good, and all will be well in the land of Stuartville. But the reality of it all is: the bartender’s hotter than Stuart and his friends (who could be mistaken for a group of mid-aged gay guys the way they’re rubbing sun tan lotion all over each other), there are virtually no chicks, and for Christ’s sake: they’re starting a Jenga tournament!

“I had ideas of what this party could be and just—it’s not, so. Enjoy. Stay, drink, have fun, and thanks for coming,” Stuart says sadly, as he makes his way out the gate. But joke’s on Stuart, because just as he leaves a convertible full of party people arrive. Meaning: yes, Stuart ends up missing out on all the late night fun even though he’s the one who initiated the party in the first place.

Somewhere in between all of this pool party nonsense, Jessica, who apparently volunteers at a soup kitchen in her spare time now, decides it’s a good idea to reach out to one of the girls who she thinks she can help out with her resume. Stuart, who first mistakes Jessica’s new friend for an intruder, is not buying it: why the hell is Jessica bringing homeless people on the property? Let alone into the guest house? Hello: crackheads and prostitutes are known to frequent the LA streets! Finding out this one’s in it for a possible free ride plus booze and cigarettes, Jessica quickly makes excuses as to why it would be impossible for her to stay. If this incident taught Jessica anything it’s that, she should probably start working on her own resume.

Somehow it’s already been 5 episodes and Stuart still hasn’t found his sweet (while managing to totally screw himself over), and honestly at this point I’m a bit sad/worried. In fact, the thought of Stuart sitting alone on his MacBook on a Friday night breaks my heart, even if most times he acts like an inconsiderate pig.

Next week we head to Long Beach (the chicks are MUCH better there) with some new gangster friends of Stuart’s, so you know, maybe he’ll end up finding love somewhere along the Pelican Pavilion, or perhaps on the marina sport fishing…

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Kaitlin Duffy is a writer from Cleveland. When she's not blogging or pondering the great complexities of the world and outer space, she is finding rare vinyl steals, visiting new places, laughing often, Instagramming everything in sight, watching movies, or working on her first feature Port de Cleve.