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“Justice and the law aren’t always the same”: Machete Kills!

“Machete don’t tweet.”

With the government comes the law, and with the law comes corruption. And down by the border things are a bit heavier than we’re used to seeing: masked men killing each other for, well, we don’t really know. But what we do know is that on a very important mission in the Middle of Nowhere, Arizona, Machete (Danny Trejo, who was pretty much born to play this role) and his love Sartana (Jessica Alba) were unexpectedly surrounded by an army of killers while trying to serve justice. When they split up and are wandering on the outskirts of what looks like an industrial wasteland trying to save their lives, Sartana spots THE missile that’s aimed for Washington. Right as she puts the pieces together, an unknown man in a scary mask shoots her—leaving the truth unknown.

Just as Machete is about to see the last of his days, the President (Charlie Sheen) calls him up to help him stop who he is sure made the missile. Suddenly Machete’s on a helicopter on his way to Mexico at the door of a brothel housing an important connect to the case: Cereza (Vanessa Hudgens) with the guidance of his “trusted” assignment agent who’s undercover as Miss San Antonio (Amber Heard). But it’s not SO easy. A man-hating brothel owner with electric tits (but seriously) Desdemona (Sofia Vergara) who keeps a strict run of things in her house of ladies, especially her daughter whom Machete is after, is strict about there being absolutely “NO FREEBIES”. So when Machete ends up running away with her beloved, it’s revenge time (and lots of gunfire via Vergara’s famous tits).


Running into some strange and interesting characters along the way, Machete finds himself cheating death a lot. When he finally gets to Mendez (Demian Bichir), the man who everyone thinks is the bomb maker, secrets unravel the truth about the real operation behind the missile attack (HINT: Mel Gibson). My favorite had to be all the variations of El Camaleón—the first being Walton Goggins, then Cuba Gooding Jr. (which, hell yes!), then Gaga as La Camaleón, and finally Antonio Banderas.

Rodriguez’s Machete Kills was just plain fun and funny to watch. Sticking to his classic over-the-top, obsessed-with-death style seen in earlier works such as Grindhouse, Sin City, and Once Upon a Time in Mexico, the movie never fails to entertain in that regard. My only thing was: Mel Gibson?!? Seriously?!? And they didn’t even play the Gaga song that we got a sneak of in the trailer—not to mention I could have totally gone for more Gaga altogether (it was her first acting debut). All of that aside, if you can get over the inflation of guns and blood spatter, the movie was good (and was probably one of the most subtle Star Wars tributes of all time).

(photo via Collider & IB Times)

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Kaitlin Duffy is a writer from Cleveland. When she's not blogging or pondering the great complexities of the world and outer space, she is finding rare vinyl steals, visiting new places, laughing often, Instagramming everything in sight, watching movies, or working on her first feature Port de Cleve.