James Marsden: An Appreciation

Pop culture has a weird way of making you feel bad for people you absolutely should not feel bad for. The most recent example is society’s collective pity party for Jon Hamm losing out on the Best Lead Actor Emmy yet again when in reality Jon Hamm is probably satisfied just being only one of the greatest human beings currently walking the Earth (this may not be entirely objective).

But despite any Jon Hamm-esque claimants to the title, the captain of the celebrity “I know you feel bad for me but you shouldn’t” All-Star team has always been, until very recently, James Marsden. James Marsden seems like a very decent person in addition to being attractive and charismatic. Here he is drunkenly interacting with paparazzi and being a delightful goof:

But for some reason, every single Hollywood casting agent on the planet sees Marsden’s boyishly handsome looks and general gregariousness and thinks “I’m gonna get this guy cockblocked…like so hard.”

Let’s take a brief journey down IMDB road. His breakout role was arguably “X-Men” back in 2000 and its follow ups “X2” and “X-Men: The Last Stand.” He plays Scott Summers a.k.a. Cyclops who is a natural leader, very responsible and hopelessly devoted to his equally talented girlfriend Jean Grey. So what happens? Some rough-around the edges Canadian with his hair gelled up into spectacularly stupid horn-looking things shows up and steals his girlfriend within like two weeks. Cock=blocked.

Then Marsden moves along to “The Notebook” where he plays a very handsome, responsible, rich Southern gentleman who is hopelessly devoted to Rachel McAdams and gives her the absolute best life she can possibly dream of. So what happens? This gruff-looking transient Canadian (sans the stupid hair this time) shows up and steals McAdams away because he threatened suicide one time years ago by dangling off a ferris wheel if she wouldn’t go out with him. Oh and he made her a house or something. Never mind that Marsden could afford to have 90 houses built for her and is clearly not so emotionally unstable as to threaten suicide as a form of flirting. Cock=blocked.

Next up is “Superman Returns.”  Marsden yet again plays a very loving husband and capable helicopter pilot who is cuckolded by fucking SUPERMAN. He has been raising his wife’s half-alien child as his own for years while that alien ran off to outerspace like a little bitch because Lois didn’t love him enough or something. That’s fine, Superman, you leave Earth despite being the only one able to solve terrorism, climate-change and poverty. James Marsden will clean up your messes and help raise your son. Who saves Lois and her half-alien child in that movie? James Marsden and his badass helicopter piloting skills. Who does Lois kiss at the end? Fucking Superman. Cock = blocked.

And I’m sure there are many more examples. He plays an actual fairy-tale prince in “Enchanted.” But the princess decides Patrick Dempsey is more appealing for some reason. He got his start on “Ally McBeal” and while I’ve never seen his stint on the show, I can only imagine it ended with Calista Flockhart breaking his heart and then Peter MacNicol locking him in a closet for months, forcing him to eat his own skin or something (Peter MacNicol was a really weird dude in the ’90s).

What is it about this seemingly decent man that makes him so cockblockable in movies? For years, I’ve been waiting for Hollywood to acknowledge their war crimes against James Marsden. I always knew that if I were ever put in charge of Hollywood, my first move would be to greenlight a movie called “Marsden Gets His,” which is just James Marsden going on a sexual reign of terror across Hollywood. There would be no attractive actress’s asking price too high to get her to appear in the flick. And if Marsden, himself, didn’t want to be in it we’d find the most convincing body double possible and call is “Schmarsden Gets His.”

Thankfully, the TV and movie industry is finally starting to atone for its Marsden sins. He’ll be playing J.F.K. in the upcoming movie “The Butler” and if anyone knows how to put on a good sexual reign of terror it’s Jack Kennedy. He’s also currently appearing on “30 Rock” where he appears to be settling down with Tina Fey, beating out other suitors including Jon Hamm, Jason Sudeikis and Matt Damon.

Leave it to Tina Fey to help right a decade-long injustice. I wonder if she’d be interested in producing “Marsden Gets His.”

(photo via Da Man magazine)

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