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It’s episode 3 and Stuart still doesn’t get it: Hello Ladies “The Date” review

“RULE #1: you’ve got to seem like you’re too busy to call”

After Stuart fails to pick up an engaged chick mid-downward dog during him and Jessica’s yoga class (probably not the best time to spit game), moments later to everyone’s surprise he actually ends up getting a date with the cute juice bar girl Annie (but of course he has to fall into a refrigerator full of Vitamin Waters while doing so). She recommends they go to some new fancy shmancy French restaurant, and the next thing you know, the two are textin’ away about their dinner plans.

You’d think him and Annie’s date has a chance to possibly be perfect, but when Stuart’s eyes start to widen at the menu prices ($50 steak! $70 wine!), we begin to pick up on this recurring cheapness: so much so that he’s running back and forth to secretly tell the waiter to pretend like they’re “all out” of the expensive stuff—making for an awkward order (and we never really did figure out just where in England Stuart’s from…).

Not having the slightest clue about Stuart’s desperation to make this the cheapest date possible, they seemingly hit it off and are the last ones to leave the restaurant. And whaddya know? There’s a date #2 in store: Mini golf!

Through all of this Jessica is busy trying to get a role from her so-called agent/ friend/ booty call Glenn after she hears her rival Amelia (Jenny Slate) just got done working on a Leo DiCaprio project. Feeling sorry for Jessica, Glenn ends up getting her a gig….for a tampon commercial (Discreet Tampax Radiant!). Not really into the whole idea, she half-heartedly agrees in spite of the potential profit.

Of COURSE when Jessica arrives later to the audition, the first question upon signing in is: “Are you here for the Martin Scorsese movie, or the tampon commercial?”—which—what? Scorsese? Glenn never mentioned a Scorsese project. Uch! And Jessica (who is secretly really funny and totally misunderstood—am I right?), comes back with a disgusting (and hilarious) joke, “I’m sure the scripts are similar, plenty of blood in both!”

To make matters worse, AMELIA walks in: seemingly shocked to see Jessica. She greets her with an annoying “HEY SWEETIE!” that leaves Jessica thinking how the hell she’s going to hide the fact she’s here for the tampon commercial. “Are you here for Scorsese, or are you here for tampons?”, Amelia asks. HAHAHA! Haha…Ha…no really, Jessica, get on in there. It’s your turn to fake being on your period.

Oh, and I’m actually worried about Wade. At first I felt sorry for him, but when he initiates a text message system between him, Kevis, and Stuart after he falls down in the shower, I knew he was really falling apart. “I almost died this morning”; “We need to implement a system.” And what’s the system called? AG! ALL GOOD. “Then you text me AG back so I know you’re AG.” So AG, guys.

In between dates with Annie, Stuart goes, um, a little psycho after she fails to text back within a “considerable” amount of time (remember: this is the same guy who said you have to act too busy to call). He even goes to the cell phone store to make sure his service is working. And just “what are the BLOODY rules?”; “Subject line: how dare you. Who the f*ck do you think you are?”, he almost texts. But when Annie finally does respond with an apology of dealing with some personal issues, the “master” is suddenly back; “Been swamped myself. Cool.” Riiiight, Stuart.

So, Stuart and Annie’s second date? Ehh…not so good. But only because he insistently has to ruin everything. This time? He looks through Annie’s phone while she goes to the bathroom to see who’s she’s been texting during mini golf, and spies on her post-date to see which friend’s house he dropped her off at—all painful things to watch if you’ve ever been on a first date with someone you thought had potential.

Now 3 episodes in to Hello Ladies everyone is starting to grow on me (though I want more Kevis!). Even though Stuart’s a total prick, I know he means well and is just too caught up in his own insecurities. The guy just wants a girl to talk about one time how one time he was “in a tent, and there was this bear,” for Christ’s sake.

It’s looking like Stuart gets down with Jessica at the gay bar looking ridiculous (because all hot straight chicks rendezvous at the gay club, obviously) in the next episode. Could he possibly find love amidst grinding on a bunch of gay guys? Or will he just end up acting like a total dick?

(photo via HBO)

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Kaitlin Duffy is a writer from Cleveland. When she's not blogging or pondering the great complexities of the world and outer space, she is finding rare vinyl steals, visiting new places, laughing often, Instagramming everything in sight, watching movies, or working on her first feature Port de Cleve.