While I am definitely not proud to admit it, I have been in the NYC dating scene for almost a decade (yikes, I know!). And as you can imagine, I encountered many different amazing (and not so amazing) people from all over the world working in many different fields ranging from writers to architects to DJs to doctors to plastic surgeons to bankers to professional basketball players to bartenders—I mean seriously, I do not think there is a profession that I have not come across on the dates I’ve been on; I really am living my own real life Sex and the City here (albeit way less glamorous, way less sex, and with way less expensive shoes!). 

Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge among other apps have been probably the biggest contributors to my dating experiences (and other think pieces) along with of course Twitter; I’ve also met some of the best people just sitting at Starbucks or Joe and the Juice, getting brunch by myself at some fancy schmancy restaurant in Flatiron, day drinking at random dive bars, being introduced via good friends, etc.—and somehow I still have not found Mr. Right.

This really got me thinking: are we really just overanalyzing all of this? Are we constantly projecting our impossible relationship ideals onto random strangers expecting them to save us on the very the first date? Do we even like someone or know someone well enough to meet at the most expensive restaurant in Manhattan? Does anyone have the time or energy to take a one hour train ride just to meet some guy off the Internet with a cartoon Twitter avi? Are people really doing that well in life that they should be wasting time going on dates anyways? What is considered a normal risk / reward here, and why are we so obsessed with first date standards? 

When I saw the viral tweet from @blackgirlinmain who initiated an ice cream date for the first meet up with someone who I’m guessing was from one of the dating apps, I was actually not even shocked at all to see the reply; the way social media and TV has made it possible for people to boast of their alleged extravagant lifestyles it is so easy for people to fall into the belief that we need to have a certain first date “standard” and what is to be “expected”. Meanwhile we are unnecessarily weeding out others by actually coming across as standoffish, damaging any potential progress with who could have been the perfect mate. 

Here is how the conversation went down:

If you ask me, the response to being asked on an ice cream date was in my opinion maybe coming from a place of trauma; that person clearly had a bad experience before that they would not “settle for less” on the very first date. But also I kind of sympathize with them as well, because it gets annoying when people want to avoid the courting period altogether and an ice cream date could seem “mid” to someone looking for a serious relationship.

My argument is: are we missing out on the future “nice” dates by quickly writing off the “cute” and quick first dates? What are we trying to prove here in the first hour of meeting and getting to know someone? In a world that only gives me only so long to live, do I really want to sit at an expensive restaurant for 2 hours with someone I actually sort of hate? Not to mention, am I wasting one night’s worth of my $75 foundation for some guy who ended up lying about his height (this is a very common thing by the way)?

Looking back at my “snobby” stage of dating when I was 26 and could be more picky (oh to bring back my youth!), I do regret saying “no” or ignoring certain guys who in hindsight probably would have been great for me and going with toxic men for not only the thrill of the chase, but also maybe the guy having a higher stature (but who was not always the best fit). Now I can honestly say at this point in my life when it comes to casual dating, going to really expensive places does not necessarily make it better / worse or more / less fun in most cases. And by that I mean: it all boils down to who do you really like? That is the question we need to be asking ourselves.

So my challenge for you, reader, is if you are still single reading this: get off social media, go out into the wild, and find that guy (or girl!) who you wouldn’t mind going on an ice cream date with–because that is likely going to be the one who will outlast all of the rest (and who knows: maybe he’ll end up taking you out for a nice steak).