Tila Tequila, MySpace celebrity (which kind of sounds like “silent film star” now) and former star of the modern American television masterpiece A Shot at Love has declared war against the “ILLUMINATI EVIL FUCKS” via her blog “Freedom Fighters (web address: misstilaomg.com, naturally).” Just give that a second to sink in and we’ll move on.
I’m actually quite embarrassed by this. As Loop’s official Tila Tequila correspondent I should have been aware that this isn’t Tila’s first declaration against the Iluminati or other similarly vague forces of evil. Back in 2010 she went on a Twitter tirade (a Twirade, if you will) about the Satanic music industry, government and “Others.”
I wonder what she had to add to her original statements. Let’s break down some of the finer points:
Please excuse my extremely explicit letter to “THE OTHERS” as I have had enough so I just wanted to tell you guys before you read further so please don’t get offended. I don’t usually talk this way but again, this is a letter for “THE OTHERS” so please go ahead and stop reading at this point because my letter to them is NOT pretty. Love you!
She’s given us an out right off the bat. We don’t even have to read on. Unless…are we “THE OTHERS?” Better not chance it, let’s keep going.
You want a War? Ok let’s get ready for one, but only if YOU yourself participate and not act like a bunch of old, ugly, rich, evil COWARDS hiding while you send out our young, beautiful boys here in AMERICA and TRAIN THEM TO BE MURDERERS TRICKING THEM INTO THINKING THEY ARE FIGHTING FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND WHEN REALLY YOU ASSHOLES LIED TO EVERYONE! I DECLARE A WAR BUT NO SOLDIERS, JUST ME, THE PEOPLE, AND ALL OF YOU SO CALLED ILLUMINATI, ELITIST COWARDS!…MY TILA ARMY AND THE WORLD AT LARGE HAS YOU WAAAAAAAAY OUT NUMBERED!!
It sounds like she’s talking about the American government, which has a standing army of millions and enough nuclear weapons to destroy the world 80 times over. But don’t worry, everyone. The Tila Army is bigger.
AND BELIEVE ME, ALTHOUGH THE MASSES DON’T KNOW THAT SUPER HUMANS REALLY DO EXIST, WELL I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW WE DO SO WE DON’T NEED WEAPONS TO DESTROY YOU! GO ON.. SHOULD I TELL THEM ABOUT THE SUPER HUMANS THAT EXIST AND ALL OF THOSE EXPERIMENTS YOU DO ON THEM TO USE THEIR POWERS FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT?
Oh I get it now. Super Humans > Standing army of millions and nukes. Who are these Super Humans she’s going on about? Are they Wolverine? God I hope they’re Wolverine. That guy is the tits.
UNLESS YOU STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND FIX ALL THE WRONG YOU DID TO MANKIND, FIX THE EARTH THAT YOU RUINED, THEN I AM SURE THERE WILL NOT BE ANYMORE FRICTIONS AND HATRED BETWEEN US GOOD GUYS AND YOU EVIL PRICKS!
Uh oh. Tila just straight up THREW DOWN. You gonna take that shit, Illuminati?
SO WHAT IF YOU ARE ALIEN HYBRID?
Wait. What? I’m starting to think this is all an elaborate marketing campaign for “The Avengers 2.”
THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU OWN US! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THERE ARE ABOUT AT LEAST 100 DIFFERENT TYPES OF ALIEN HYBRIDS ON PLANET EARTH RIGHT NOW AND WE ARE ALL WAKING UP HONEY!
Everyone knows there are 100 different types of alien hybrids on planet Earth. That’s just grade level stuff.
PREPARE FOR WAR. I HAVE OFFICIALLY DECLARED IT.
AGAIN, I TELL YOU IN ADVANCE I HAVE NO WEAPONS
Well this war is off to a bad start.
THE ONY WEAPON I HAVE TO GO TO WAR WITH YOU FUCKS ARE MY NATURAL SUPER HUMAN ABILITIES AS WELL.
There we go.
TIME IS RUNNING OUT AND I DONT CARE ANYMORE WHAT YOU DO TO TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK CRAZY!
That’s become very apparent.
SHALL I GO INTO TELLING THE PEOPLE HOW YOU KEPT WATCHING ME MY ENTIRE LIFE EVEN BEFORE I WAS BORN?
Ughh, if only we could have watched you your entire life, Tila. Luh you, baby gurl <3.
AS FOR EVERYONE ELSE I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR MY CURSING AS YOU GUYS KNOW I AM NEVER THIS WAY NOR DO I SPEAK THIS WAY TO ANYONE… ONLY WHEN SOMETHING TRAUMATIC HAPPENS SO PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF I HAVE OFFENDED ANY OF YOU WITH SO MANY F-BOMBS!!!
Shhh, shhh stop, Tila. It’s ok. Don’t apologize for a single word.
SHALL I CONTINUE???
Oh God yes.
SHALL I TELL THEM THAT THE SO CALLED “MOON” IS ACTUALLY WHERE SOME OF YOU STILL RESIDE TO WATCH OVER US, AND THE MOON IS ACTUALLY YOUR BASE.
People from the moon watching her from the moment she was born? I think she is just literally describing “The Truman Show” right now.
OH LET ME NOT GO INTO HOW YOU TOTALLY FUCKED THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE NATIVE AFRICAN AMERICAN PEOPLE!!!!!!
Did we just stumble onto some real shit accidentally?
BUT GUESS WHAT? DO YOU KNOW WHO I SAW WHEN I DIED 7 TIMES????….BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK I SAW THE 7TH TIME I DIED EARLIER THIS YEAR????? FOR 3 DAYS I CROSSED OVER AND WAS SHOWN MANY THINGS, THEN ON THE 3RD DAY….. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT BUT I SAW THE MAN! YEP! THE ONE I DIDN’T USED TO BELIEVE IN BEFORE BUT HE CAME TO ME AND HE IS DEFINITELY REAL!!
Tila has died seven times? I think at least four of those were on set of “A Shot at Love.”
ANYWAY THIS LETTER WAS FOR “THE OTHERS” SO PLEASE DIS-REGARD THIS MESSAGE AS YOU GUYS KNOW I WOULD NEVER SPEAK TO YOU THIS WAY!
And it just kind of goes on from there. In case you prefer your insanity in a slowly-scrolling YouTube video format, Tila was nice enough to post that at the bottom of her page as well.
Here’s the thing though: what if Tila is right? What if this is the actual way the world currently is, with mysterious Others occupying the moon and the White House hurtling us all toward an inevitable doomsday scenario? I think I’d take that. No one gets to choose the way the world ends and if it comes to pass that Tila Tequila is the light to lead us out of darkness and into salvation during an apocalyptic scenario, I would take up the cause for Queen Tila. It could always be worse: the Westboro Baptist Church’s version of end of days could come to pass instead.
Still this doesn’t solve the only Tila conspiracy that I care about: why did she choose Bobby over Dani during season 1 of A Shot at Love? That’s the real issue here.
(photo via The Urban Daily)