NOTE: This is a semi-regular series in which I pitch an idea for a sure-fire hit television show that I, myself, am too lazy to write. If you by chance happen to be an executive at HBO or FX then it’s all yours. Just be sure to invite me to the filming of the pilot and let me eat everything at crafts and services.
At some point J.K. Rowling is going to cede some control of her Harry Potter copyright. She may have already, actually. Warner Brothers may have some spin-off rights from their Harry Potter film contract. Regardless, Rowling is going to realize that the demand for auxiliary Potter material is going to far outstrip her ability to publish a tie-in book about 13th Century goblin wars or something. George Lucas let other writers tackle the Star Wars universe through novels and comic books and ended up expanding it far beyond what he could have possibly accomplished.
When the day comes that Rowling gives the green-light for Star Wars novel-like material, please someone get this TV show idea rolling: David E. Kelly-style Wizarding Law Firm.
The show wouldn’t just cover any Wizarding World law firms but one that specializes on only one law: the International Statute of Secrecy. Have you ever thought of how weird it is that the International Statue of Secrecy exists in the books? Creatively, it fills a pretty big need in describing just why everything that happens in Harry’s world is unseen and unbothered by Muggles. But practically, it couldn’t possible make less sense.
Here in the Muggle world: we can’t get the entire world to agree on anything. If France put forth a resolution at a U.N. meeting that “muffins are pretty good,” Russia would probably fight tooth and nail against it just to preserve some sort of obscure national interest in the donut industry. Somehow though in the Wizarding World, every single society, country or otherwise sovereign state across the entire globe somehow agreed in 1689 that “yeah, I guess we should go into hiding because these witch hunts are getting annoying.”
The fact that every single nation on the planet all agreed on the same law completely hiding entire civilizations from 99% of the rest of the world must mean that it’s the single most complex and difficult to understand law in history. The only clause from the statute that J.K. Rowling has shared with us thus far is Clause 73, detailing how to conceal magical creatures:
“Each wizarding governing body will be responsible for the concealment, care and control of all magical beasts, beings, and spirits dwelling within its territory’s borders. Should any such creature cause harm to, or draw the notice of, the Muggle community, that nation’s wizarding governing body will be subject to discipline by the International Confederation of Wizards.”
Somehow the concealment of dragons and other you know, monsters, was the 73rd clause they thought to include. If I were writing a law to conceal a magical civilization I might want to tackle that within the first few Clauses. This means that Statute Law is so complex and exhaustive that it must be upwards of 300 clauses. For comparison’s sake the U.S. Constitution only has 27 Amendments.
By internet law a picture of Emma Watson must always appear in any post that mentions Harry Potter.
Statute of Secrecy Laws must govern almost every act witches and wizards make across the world. And those who study, defend and prosecute those laws must be the rock stars of the Wizarding community.
This show would be about those rock stars. It follows three young lawyers with whimsical Harry Potter-esque names at Hammerthorn, Solis & Willowick – the most prestigious firm specializing in Statute Law in all of Great Britain. The young lawyers were all in Ravenclaw at Hogwarts and kicked ass on the Quidditch team. They are intelligent, witty, funny and stunningly attractive. Two are men and one is a woman so there is just sexual tension out the ass for the entirety of the series.
Each week of the show chronicles another quirky case regarding Statute Law. One week would be the team fighting on behalf of a woman trying to break the Statue to marry her Muggle husband but a judge just isn’t having it. One week would be a the team arguing to alert Muggles that a major wizarding corporation is improperly disposing of magical chemicals in their community.
It would all be similar in tone to “Boston Legal” or “Ally McBeal” with larger than life characters trading sarcastic quips across a courtroom but eventually betraying their earnestness in the final statement to the jury. The show could be called something along the lines of “Secrets,” “The Statute,” or “Wizard Justice” even if a network wants to pick it up and give it an obvious title. The tagline on all the posters would be “No secret is safe with them ” or something equally as corny.
The best part is since the show would take place in the mid-2000’s, by the time the series finale rolls around they could hire Emma Watson to play a fully-grown Hermione Granger-Weasley who joins the law firm to successfully argue for the complete abolishment of the Statute of Secrecy, rejoining the Muggle and Wizarding Worlds into an era of unprecedented peace and prosperity.
If that’s not the most-watched finale in the history of television, then I officially no nothing about pop culture.
(photos via Harry Potter Wiki and EmmaWatson.com)
