Will we ever really truly know the threat of living back in the Old West? Besides what’s left of ghost towns scattered across desolate American sand and of course shown in legendary Western films, a glimpse into the dangerous (like: REALLY f*cking dangerous!) life of cowboys back in those horse ridin’/whore ridin’ days shows us that it was in fact rough to even make it through one day alive (the Old West was pretty much drenched in blood and quicksand).
Now taking into consideration that one second you could be getting food for your family and the next an anonymous outlaw could be shooting a bullet through your face, life back in the Old West meant you couldn’t exactly be a pussy. Unless you wanted to die. Which is the case for Seth MacFarlane’s new one A Million Ways to Die in the West, about what happens to a cowardly sheep farmer Albert (MacFarlane) who backs out of a gunfight (he’s never really fired a gun). When his girlfriend Louise (Amanda Seyfried) leaves him for a manlier man, the “the proprietor of the town’s foremost moustache emporium” (Neil Patrick Harris), he ends up accidentally saving a mysterious beautiful woman Anna (Charlize Theron) who teaches him how to shoot and be bad. But like every classic Western there’s of course an outlaw seeking revenge, in this case it’s Anna’s husband Clinch (Liam Neeson), having it out for you guessed it: Albert.
I’m excited, because #AMillionWays will probably the most refreshing movie from the genre in a while, and is probably going to be funny based on Seth MacFarlane starring (in real life!), co-writing (with Alec Sulkin and Wellesley Wild), and directing, who up until this point has only acted per the many voices of Family Guy and his first feature Ted (not to mention, producing COSMOS, one of the greatest TV shows on right now).
So in the meantime you might want to get schooled for the dangerously hilarious and treacherous life of cowboys. Here’s how:
1. Find a Gang of Really Crude Bad Ass Cowboys to Ride Around With
(from The Wild Bunch – 1969, Sam Peckinpah)
2. Be Well-Versed in Quicksand Safety
(from Blazing Saddles – 1974, Mel Brooks)
3. Make Sure to Look Really F*cking Handsome in a Cowboy Hat
(from My Name is Nobody aka Lonesome Gun – 1973, Sergio Leone & Tonino Valerii)
4. Keep Your Whore Around at All Times (ESPECIALLY if she’s loyal!)
(from Two Mules for Sister Sara – 1970, Don Siegel)
5. Copious Amounts of Tobacco
(from The Quick and the Dead – 1995, Sam Raimi)
6. Stay Up to Date With Proper Cowboy Etiquette (Basically Looking Like a Bad Ass Mother F*cker)
(from Once Upon a Time in the West – 1968, Sergio Leone)
7. Guns, Guns, Guns!
(from True Grit – 2010, Joel & Ethan Coen)
8. Really Good Olsen-Stelzer Boots to Help Guide You Into the Night
(from El Dorado – 1966, Howard Hawks)
9. Maintain a Healthy Balance of Action and Skill
(from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid – 1969, George Roy Hill)
10. Have a Constant Stern Look of Determination
(from High Noon – 1952, Fred Zinnemann)
So go on cowboy, you better get to it! A Million Ways to Die in the West premieres May 30th.